Dear Conspiracy Theorists,
It’s over.
There. I said it.
It’s not me. It’s you.
And I mean, it’s REALLY YOU.
I wanted to do this face-to-face but there are just SOOO many of you conspiracy theorists out there that it would be virtually impossible for me to break up with all of you in-person.
Yes, I know how much you enjoy wasting countless hours of my life trying to convince me that the cabal of shape-shifting extraterrestrial reptilian overlords that rule our not-overheating flat Earth want to fry our vaccinated brains with 5G towers and chemtrails.
Or that the “Wuhan Flu” was cooked up in a lab by “elites” like Bill Gates and George Soros to spark compulsory vaccinations to “inject tracking chips” which can then be “activated” by 5G towers.
“But it all makes perfect sense!” you say, as you feverishly scour the internet “doing your own research” to find memes, fringe websites, and YouTube “evidence” to “support” your points.
It’s exhausting when, every time you ask me to “prove” there’s NOT a conspiracy, I provide it to you in the form of scientific-evidence, which you reflexively dismiss and claim only “proves” the conspiracy is real.
Likewise, you think a lack of evidence to disprove the non-existent conspiracy only “proves” its existence 🤦♂️.
“But the truth is OUT THERE!” you shriek.
You want the truth?
Here’s a truth bomb for you:
The brutally honest truth is, you’ve become an insufferable festering blister on our relationship and you’ve left me no other option but to cut it off like the gangrenous limb it’s become.
Woke AF
Our separation is probably for the best because I just don’t think I’m “woke AF” enough for you.
You insult me with names like “sheeple” and “New World Order minion” and arrogantly bark out “wakey, wakey!” “do your own research,” “go down the rabbit hole,” “question everything,” “I’m just starting a conversation,” or “I’m just asking the question.”
But you see, that’s just it.
You don’t have the requisite science training or basic understanding of the issues to be forming the intelligent questions that need to be asked or starting the conversations that need to be started.
Last I checked, you didn’t learn one bee’s dick worth of microbiology or immunology at cosmetology school.
So no, you don’t get a seat at the adults table.
You don’t know what you don’t know
You’re obnoxiously overconfident about your knowledge of the world and what (you think) is “really going on” (you know, because you’re woke AF, n stuff).
But the #irony is that you don’t know shit about much and you remain blissfully ignorant to your own ignorance.
And this has a name: the Dunning-Kruger Effect.
Those with little actual knowledge about a topic tend to be overconfident in their abilities and “think” they know a lot more than they actually do (i.e., high confidence despite low knowledge).
On the other hand, actual subject matter experts that actually DO know a LOT about a topic remain humbly aware of the limits of their knowledge, and they reach out to other specialists to help them understand complex subjects beyond their expertise.
The tyranny of this whole thing is that it’s a vicious self-perpetuating cycle.
The more ignorant you are (and confident in your beliefs), the more you try to push your conspiracy theories.
And the more you rightfully get called out, the more it reinforces your belief in the said conspiracy.
Echo chambers and bubbles
It really breaks my heart that it’s come to this because deep down I think you’re a good person with good intentions.
But that doesn’t make you any less wrong.
You’ve really changed for the worse since you started spending inordinate amounts of time in the echo chambers of anti-vaccine and 5G Facebook groups.
See, what you might not know is that the more time you spend clicking around your favourite conspiracy pages on social media, the more the networks’ built-in algorithms feed you a steady diet of similar false and misleading information.
Savvy advertisers who want to make a buck off your ignorance can micro-target you based on which pages and groups you visit.
You’re literally stuck in an alternate reality bubble and you don’t even see it. In fact, by design, you CAN’T see it.
Woke AF?
No, more like asleep AF. Wakey wakey!
Hypocrisy theories
You’re also a hypocrite.
You tell me to “question everything,” yet not once have you ever bothered to reflect on and question your own bullshit theories.
You spend hours questioning science-based evidence, yet you won’t spend five minutes source and fact checking the conspiracy videos and memes you LOVE to share.
You bash scientists as “know-nothing, inept shills for the new world order,” which is a bit rich coming from you since you don’t know shit about science.
WTF?
And I don’t mean “Wow, That’s Fun!”
In fact, it has been anything BUT fun.
It’s been mentally exhausting. And you’re only adding to the big disinformation turd clogging the pipes of rational, evidence-based public discourse, which has left us all neck deep in bullshit.
Thing is, I really don’t care if you screw yourself but, if you think I’m going to idly stand by and let you screw the rest of the world with unfounded bullshit, well, I’m going to have something to say about that.
Paradoxes and contradictions
The paradox of your entire argument is that:
- The trained experts are “inept, hopeless know-nothings” and yet, by your logic;
- These same “inept, hopeless know-nothings” are also brilliant masters of manipulation capable of expertly coordinating inordinate numbers of government, corporate, and private employees in a global conspiracy to subjugate the masses to their sinister will.
Don’t you think you’re giving them far too much credit?
No, I’m serious.
It’s not a rhetorical question.
Answer it.
How can so many “idiot” conspirators pull this off if they’re so stupid?
Conspiracies are good business
Is there a conspiracy?
Yes, but you’re the butt of the joke.
Conspiracies are good business and they need gullible, non-critical non-thinkers like you to keep their cash cow well fed.
The easiest thing in the world is to snip video clips and quotes out of context, create a fear- or anger-stoking meme, and spoon feed it to you by social media targeting.
Alex Jones, the American conspiracy theorist who claimed the Sandy Hook school massacre was an “inside job” and then blamed it on his psychosis, was ordered to stop selling a bogus silver cure for coronavirus.
Britain’s David Icke, who maintains that a cabal of alien lizard people rule the world, has expertly leveraged and capitalised on the coronavirus pandemic.
And Australia’s Pandemic Pete Evans has repeatedly posted all sorts of batshit crazy theories on social media about coronavirus, 5G, and activated almonds – Damn you Pete, why did you have to drag almonds into this?!
Like many other promoters of conspiracy theories, Pete likes to beat the “follow the money” drum and claim that his critics are all motivated by profit.
But whatever you do, don’t look at Pete’s own conflicts of interest, including spruiking an unproven device to treat coronavirus for about $15,000 AUD each.
He was promptly and justifiably fined $25,000 AUD by the Therapeutic Goods Administration for promoting the gadget to his social media following.
The realms of “possibility”
Many times I’ve heard you say, “…yeah, but isn’t it ‘possible’ that <insert conspiracy theory here>?”
My short answer is no, but let’s expand on this topic a bit.
Sure there’s a remote, infinitesimally small 0.00000001% possibility that the Queen of England shagged a giraffe in the Botswanan Embassy in London and later gave birth to what is now publicly known as Prince Charles.
It’s ‘possible,’ but not likely.
Why?
In a word: evidence – or lack thereof.
Because any asshole on the planet can say whatever the f*ck he wants, whether it’s true, false, or just batshit crazy.
Granted, I’ll concede that Prince Charles has a sort of giraffesque je-ne-sais-quoi, but any rational, level-headed person would probably chalk it up to an uncanny coincidence rather than the cause and effect result of the Queen Mum shagging a… well, you know what I mean.
You with me?
Evidence.
Let me give you a more personal example so this makes more sense to you.
Say someone in your local mommy anti-vaccine group on Facebook accuses you of abusing your children.
The allegations are false and there is no evidence AT ALL to support them.
You react and instinctively shout back in capital letters: “THERE’S NO PROOF I BEAT MY CHILDREN!”
Your argument is quickly countered with “THERE’S NO PROOF YOU DON’T BEAT YOUR CHILDREN!”
You plead with your fellow Facebook citizens in the virtual town square, “Please, you HAVE to believe me! I’m innocent of these accusations.”
But the more you plead your innocence, the more they’re not having it.
“Ahhh yeah, likely story! Look at those crocodile tears! All guilty people claim they’re innocent!”
The point is, the onus is on the accuser to provide credible, independent, objectively verifiable evidence that corroborates the accusations, NOT on you to have to waste your time trying to prove you’re not a child abuser.
This is exactly how rational people feel trying to field your rapid-fire shock and awe conspiracy theories pinballing all over the place.
With you, it’s always the carnival shell game with the truth and it’s virtually impossible to keep up.
Before I’ve even had a chance to catch my breath, you’ve already moved onto the next conspiracy du jour.
You don’t “believe in science”
You say things like, “Well, I don’t care what the science says. I don’t believe in science.”
And that’s just it. Science is not something you “believe in” or not. It’s not a religion.
Science is a slow, careful, systematic, and methodical way of observing nature, unlike conspiracy theories which are haphazard, quickly snowball out of control, and travel at the speed of Wi-Fi.
But whether or not you “believe in science,” your ignorance to it can still kill you just the same.
Virginia Pastor Gerald O. Glenn, who ignored social distancing warnings and vowed to keep preaching “unless I’m in jail or the hospital,” died of COVID-19 after holding church services.
In Texas, a 30-year-old man who thought coronavirus was just a big hoax contracted the virus and died after attending a “COVID party.”
And if the “hoax” virus doesn’t kill you, you can still end up with permanent lung damage.
Yes, I know how you love to bitch and moan that “wearing a mask tramples on your constitutional rights,” but given the nature and urgency of the pandemic, wearing a mask is a social responsibility that can help control the outbreak and let you get back to your hairdresser sooner.
The science behind conspiracy theories
But why is it that you believe all these batshit crazy conspiracy theories?
Science – that thing you don’t “believe in” – has answers.
Since you lost your job and have had a little too much time on your hands, you’ve really had it in for the “elites” that you feel have screwed you.
Moulding et al. (2016) found that variables related to alienation – isolation, powerlessness, normlessness, and disengagement from social norms – correlated with belief in conspiracy theories.
Research by Lantian et al. (2017) found a correlation between the ‘need for uniqueness’ and a belief in conspiracy theories.
…people high in need for uniqueness should be more likely than others to endorse conspiracy beliefs because conspiracy theories represent the possession of unconventional and potentially scarce information.
Moreover, conspiracy theories rely on narratives that refer to secret knowledge (Mason, 2002) or information, which, by definition, is not accessible to everyone, otherwise it would not be a secret and it would be a well-known fact.
People who believe in conspiracy theories can feel “special,” in a positive sense, because they may feel that they are more informed than others about important social and political events.
–Social Psychology (2017), 48(3), 160–173
In terms of cognitive processes, they found that:
…people with stronger conspiracy beliefs are more likely to overestimate the likelihood of co-occurring events, to attribute intentionality where it is unlikely to exist, and to have lower levels of analytic thinking.
–Social Psychology (2017), 48(3), 160–173
Finally, arrogance and a grandiose sense of self-importance is associated with belief in conspiracy theories.
Our findings can also be connected to recent research demonstrating that individual narcissism, or a grandiose idea of the self, is positively related to belief in conspiracy theories. Interestingly, Cichocka et al. (2016) found that paranoid thought mediates the relationship between individual narcissism and conspiracy beliefs.
–Social Psychology (2017), 48(3), 160–173
For the disenfranchised, social media conspiracy groups allow for a sense of belonging and commiseration over a shared distrust of “the man” and his “master agenda.”
The end
Is this what we’ve become?
Is this the final culmination of the 1990s Beavis and Butt-head experiment where being foolish and ignorant are “woke AF?”
Was the 2006 movie Idiocracy – where they watered crops with Gatorade and wondered why they weren’t growing – actually a crystal ball-gazing documentary that predicted the present Dumbfukistan of gullibility in which we’re currently living?
I’m sure none of this is registering for you and you probably think (ironically) that I “can’t be helped.”
But I’m not trying to convince you because I don’t think there’s hope for you.
My only true hope is that others sitting on the fence, who are confused and unsure what to believe, might read this letter and it will help guide them down a path of sanity and rational thinking.
Maybe I’ll see you ’round… but hopefully not.
USE THIS ONE
What you’re saying is,
“Yes, the government has been caught lying, doing shady things, going to war based on LIES (even you Left-wingers admit that much), and are willing to bomb babies for FUN, but you are crazy if you think they will be complicit in anything ever again!”
It’s like calling me crazy because I just told you,
“HEY THAT GUY OVER THERE HAS BEEN CAUGHT LYING AND MOLESTING KIDS, AND HE WILL PROBABLY DO IT AGAIN AND IS DOING IT WHEN YOU AREN’T LOOKING!”
If you want these ‘crazy conspiracies’ to stop, then hold your government accountable and YOURSELVES accountable for voting for the ‘Lesser of EVIL’ and for doing all of this heinous Bullshit around the world. So long as the same lying, genocidal psychopaths remain in power, EVERYTHING IS A CONSPIRACY!
You’re focused on the SYMPTOM (conspiracy theories) of the problem and not the DISEASE which is all the aforementioned. If your government (that you love, support and vote for) wasn’t engaging in heinous atrocities, then you’d have ground to stand on, but until then, you’re the CRAZY one, not us for pointing out how evil your corrupt Elites have been and still are.
END OF STORY!
Pointing out corrupt elites is fine, it’s even good. But you have to actually point to stuff which they can be verified doing, and not just make up something that makes sense for them to be doing.
@Mac, great article. It’s interesting how some conspiracy theorist claim sovereignty over understanding corruption.
Conspiracies are for people that can’t see the corruption that is out in the open and staring at them in the face.
Their logic of prioritising a theory that at the very best might exist (even if 0.00001) whilst ignoring something that is very likely to exist – or does ‘actually’ exist – and is supported by evidence,
It is completely dumbfounding.
But hey, corruption that’s out in open is not corruption right?Because it’s it ahem, out in open right?
What a great way for a politician to deflect and excuse their own bad behaviour, by aiming the blame at ‘secret’ people who are committing the same behaviour – but oh no they are committing the cardinal sin of being ‘secret’.
Use your brain please?
Great – I will be plagiarising freely from this article if you don’t mind. And sharing it regularly.
thanks, Rosemary
I know right! Im on the plagiarising train too. So on point got me WOKE AF!
OMG! Are we twins? This has made my night. I’m a 68 year old Asperger and hate the crap out there.
If you want the ultimate example of the Dunning Krugger effect we have: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ylgro_HMLT8
Great read….
Sooo true!!!
Forgive me but I too will be plagiarizing some of this with a few freaks I call friends.
Thanks again for the great read and a smack of reality again.
Who did 9/11 and why?
Do you believe the US government report on 9/11?
Or is this “looking too much into it” for your liking?
1. Hilary Clinton’s deleted emails.
2. PizzaGate
3. People/Child Trafficking
4. Hollywood pedophile network/s …
… to name just a few. I guess you’re sick of it now so, what the hell, let it happen so we can get all back to our normal lives. Sorry but that’s not a nice world at all.
OP will be silent on these lol
Wow this article is the result of an egotistical, hormonally unbalanced, angsty teenager…. Haha. Man, you tell a good story, but the world isn’t exactly in a great place. Tons and tons of corruption that has plenty of proof. But guess what ;).. You’ve got to do your research.
P. S. You effectively made fun of human beings who engage in their environment in a skeptical manner, with the desire for truth and the ability to critically think (using our brains)…. How hilarious is that?!
“Do your own research” and “…engage in their environment in a skeptical manner, with the desire for truth and the ability to critically think (using our brains)”… Which apparently doesn’t apply to baseless conspiracy theories. Whatever you do, don’t question those. #wokeAF
@MADI, You don’t get it do you? There is nothing skeptical about these conspiracy theories going around. Conspiracy mindedness is hyper skepticism on one end and complete acceptance without any skepticism on the other end.
I have had the exact same experience as the writer of this open letter. My friend completely disregarded any facts I sent his way or explained it away by just saying “science is bought”. When I was then put in the position where I had direct experience with Covid which he thinks is 5G and I gave him things he could not refute without saying I was lying he just changed the subject to the next conspiracy.
I stood my ground then and said, if you don’t answer these simple questions we will not be speaking again. And of course he couldn’t because he was trapped between calling his childhood friend since 30 years a paid lier (which he knows isn’t true) or just accepting that his conspiracy was false.
He chose to keep ignoring that question and we have not spoken since. In other words he chose unverified information over information from the most trusted source he has simply because conspiracies had become a big part of him. He still messages me now and then because he doesn’t have any friends and he doesn’t have any work and it’s a lonely place to be but I have promised myself that I will not budge on this issue because doing so would be enabling him to go on deluding himself.
And quite frankly the Dunning-Kruger-esque manner in which he spoke so confidently about things he had no clue about was getting on my nerves.
That is my experience and it’s tragically funny to me how well it is encapsulated by the open letter, it’s too predictable.
Excellent article. A much needed dose of reality in these crazy times.
Only one line jarred with me:
“Since you lost your job down at the “clean coal mine” and have had a little too much time on your hands…”
There are plenty of conspiracy theorists at every level of society – including swathes of alt-right young people, stretching all the way to middle class aging hippies.
Why try to frame them as blue collar workers without a job? I’m presuming you’ve never worked in coal, or had your entire industry and future job prospects crumble before your eyes?
Yes, there can be a loss of pride and status from redundancy, and feeling like an “insider” of secret truths is a way for people to recapture that… but “since you lost your job at the coal mine” still comes across as patronising, classist and a cheap shot.
It’s too narrow a demographic – it simply doesn’t capture all the other people on Facebook rabidly spewing their 5G Gates Sheeple twaddle.
Hi Joe,
Thanks for your feedback. Point taken. Upon further consideration, I think you’re right and I have amended the article accordingly.
Thanks for responding Bill, and for graciously accepting the feedback .
My overall response the the article remains a double thumbs up, followed by a round of applause.
Absolute rabid tosh
Great Read, if only people would read and understand……………..jer
Sorry, couldn’t read this diatribe even halfway through.
Stop wasting people’s time. Believe what you want and let people believe what they want. Live and let live.
Ultimately it comes down to one thing. CHOICE. Everyone has the right to choose what they want to think, whether or not they want to do a vaccine, whether or not they want to wear a mask.
If you believe that new normal is normal, then you’re probably not.. normal
#irony #satire
Thank you so much for this post! <3 I am in relationship with a strong conspiracy theorist and very often I am struggling with coping, feeling that I am the one losing her sanity. Articles like this one Really help me to take it all with grain of salt. Best wishes from Slovakia
Hi Petra,
I’m really sorry you’re having a hard time. It’s hard watching people you care about get infected with mis- and disinformation and become a zombie. I know a lot of people I grew up with that have gone down the conspiracy theory path and I honestly don’t even recognise them anymore.
Sadly, I think there are underlying mental issues that allow people to get swept up in baseless lies that form the foundation of conspiracies. Until you get to the bottom of that, I think it’s very hard to deprogram people. I hope things work out for you.
Kind regards
Bill
Thank you so much for this. I have one of these people in my life. She is a vector of disinformation and misinformation and I have struggled to find an effective response. I think your article was perfect. I will send it to her (but she probably won’t read it).
I totally agree with you on so many points. But, I would say, wouldn’t it be better to bring all of these theories to the forefront in an open and free debate to be able to expose them for the fraud they really are? When these theories are ‘cancelled’ and repressed, it only gives them plausibility -as in: “see, ‘they’ don’t want you to know the truth.”
I guess the other option is to write some sort of text, like a dictionary, to ban certain words and to develop new words to refer to certain things. We could call it “newspeak” or something similar.
I like that idea.
Hi Christopher,
Thank you for taking the time to leave a comment. I take on board what you’re saying. I think within the context of this satirical article, that’s probably something that would fall on deaf ears on the part of many conspiracy theorists. If you spend some time looking on the Reddit forum QAnon Casualties (https://www.reddit.com/r/QAnonCasualties/), you can see the destruction many conspiracy believers are inflicting on those around them. In many ways, believing in conspiracies is much like alcohol or drug addiction. You can use all the logic and level-headed reasoning you want, but until the conspiracy believer is ready to acknowledge that what they believe is false and is causing tangible damage to themselves and others around them, there is no having an open and free debate. The bottom line is that what they believe has no basis in fact or logic and someone has to be the adult in the room and just shut it down. Starve the fire of oxygen once and for all. Eventually, they’ll get tired of being exhausted all the time (because that’s what will eventually happen), pick up their ball, and leave the playground. I only hope that some people figure it out before they lose everyone and everything of value to them.
Great piece and too true. Once they accept one theor y they can’t help but buy into them all. It’s really unfathomable.
Conspiracy addiction is real. They get a taste of one “gateway” conspiracy and then find new friends that introduce them to progressively more batshit crazy ideas. Before long, they’ve alienated everyone around them and are alone and isolated. And even then they might not snap out of it. Conspiracy addiction is a serious problem and it’s destroying lives. Very sad on so many levels.
@Dr Bill Sukala, This is exactly it! For my friend it started with some pretty inoccuous conspiracy but it’s like that opened up the flood gates to that mode of thinking and almost every other conspiracy just got in on the back of that.
That hyper skepticism towards authority coupled with extreme gullability in the other direction is something that just developes and worsens over time and the end station is when you will trust blogs over your lifelong friends.
Thank you for writing this letter.
@Dr Bill Sukala, soooo true!
Well put!
I reached your site by trying to find out if Laminine was the real deal. WOW! So glad to find someone like you that not only cuts through the BS but backs it up with deep sound research. I am now one of your biggest fans. Please keep up the great work.
Thanks Diane,
Thanks for stopping by and taking the time to leave a comment. Yep, it’s a minefield out there. Ironically, with more information than ever available at our fingertips, there is more mis- and disinformation meant to confuse you in order to push sales of dodgy products you don’t need or to forward a flawed ideology. These are dangerous times and it’s important to keep our eyes open at all times.
Good breakup letter. Will share. Take care.
Bingo!!! Well said
Dear idiot…. We never would have dated your stupid ass in the first place. Trying to make yourself relevant? Woke??? Lmao… Stop stalking us! We never loved you… And yes… We are much happier without you 🤦
Satire not your strong suit? Family no longer talking to you now that you’ve fallen into the Q-Anon hole?
PS, Too late. I preemptively broke up with you first 😂
I have a friend who, without question, believes “Judge Anna von Reitz” and her claims about sovereignty, along with anything she says is so, without including evidence. No amount of research and evidence indicating otherwise, makes a shred of difference to my friend. I think Judge Anna talks a good game, but not much more. The existing evidence contradicts her. Keeping our friendship, but from now on will be avoiding discussing the annoying topic of Anna.
Conspiracy theorists and sovereignty advocates have already made up their mind about what they want to believe in and no amount of rational contradictory evidence will change their minds. Counterintuitively, presenting any evidence that refutes their world view only serves to reinforce their false beliefs.
@Dr Bill Sukala,I know I’m late to the party, but it’s like you’ve been reading my mind for the last 2 years. I lost my best friend of 25 years to this shit. It’s surreal, I don’t know how to wrap my head around the fact that my friend is now 100% Q, and the lovely human I once knew is gone. Thank you for writing this article, it was brilliantly written.
Hi Michelle,
I’m very sorry to hear about this. I’ve been hearing more and more of it lately and some people I grew up with and thought I knew well have also completely lost their minds. I would recommend having a look at this forum on Reddit for support: https://www.reddit.com/r/QAnonCasualties/ You’ll find lots of people in your exact same situation. Hope your best friend eventually comes back to Earth some day.
It’s quite easy to paint everything and anything with the “Conspiracy Theory” brush – which i think these days is a big mistake. I’ve found that over the last couple of years there are a lot of people who have “Waken Up” as you put it. Yes there are still outlandish Conspiracies out there like those that involve nonsenical ideas like shape shifting reptiles for example but many that i have heard recently, that are regarded by some as conspiracies, are really just the ‘Follow the Money” type, about the Mainstream media or regarding the government. When presented with these ‘theories’ I’ve had to question myself – as there is evidence from reputable sources. Not all theories are the same. Not all theories are bullshit despite there being plenty of bulshit out there.
It would be a shame to disregard and shame people who are looking for truth in a world that is so obviously controlled by corporate interests and greed.